It’s been said that to marry someone in the military is to marry the military itself. Believe it or not, I actually didn’t want to marry a service member because of what I saw in the movies. I made assumptions about the lifestyle. We can make our plans, however, the Lord will direct our steps (Prov. 16:9). In His wisdom, He led Ethan and me together, we fell in love, and in 2009, I married a man in the military.
Ethan was a SERE specialist in the United States Air Force and out of the almost 16 years he spent in that career, we were married 11 of those years. We started in Spokane, Washington and the military moved us to (4) other states in that time period. Ethan frequently traveled out of state and country and God used that unusual rhythm to teach us a lot about Him and each other. It taught me to depend on God, to value the time we did have together, and to love my local church.
Ethan separated from the military officially last year but the life lessons we learned will stay with us for the rest of our lives. Being a military family afforded us many opportunities and experiences that we would have never otherwise experienced in a normal civilian job. While I know that much of this is learned through the experience itself, I pray that my advice is helpful to any Christian military wives and moms seeking advice for their journey ahead.
Live in Your Bible
When we married, I transferred from a Christian college in Florida to a community college in Washington state. Apart from Ethan and the few acquaintances I met at his church, I didn’t have good, Christian friends to hold me accountable. For the first time in my life, it was up to me whether or not I would walk closely with the Lord. Praise God for His Holy Spirit who kept me dissatisfied outside of His Word.
While I lacked the understanding of how to read my Bible, what I did understand was that I needed to be in my Bible.
It wasn’t until we moved to California that I found a BSF Bible Study (not a book study but actual verse-by-verse teaching) that held me accountable. Most women in my class had gray hair and grandchildren, and to my surprise, they didn’t know much about their Bibles either. We learned together and it taught me the discipline I needed to work through Scripture, as well as gave me the opportunity to be in a multi-generational environment.
My love for the Word deepened and over the years it grew and eventually, I discovered hermeneutics (methods for proper interpretation of studying Scripture.) Knowing how to read my Bible properly only solidified the foundation I was building upon. Another local church we attended hosted a theology class and that was the icing on the cake. Understanding doctrine helped me label and categorize things within Scripture. It also helped me see God’s attribures through the events within my own life.
All of these tools equipped me for the challenging times we faced. Like when the government shut down and we didn’t get paid until they re-opened or when our overseas orders fell through and it was up to me to pack up our home while Ethan was injured in training many states away. Because we knew that God is sovereign and is a Provider, we felt at peace in those moments. Scripture guarded my heart when my circumstances threatened to steal my joy.
I love Jen Wilkin’s perspective of Bible reading:
“For years I viewed my interaction with the Bible as a debit account: I had a need, so I went to the Bible to withdraw an answer. But we do much better to view our interaction with the Bible as a savings account: I stretch my understanding daily, I deposit what I glean, and I patiently wait for it to accumulate in value, knowing that one day I will need to draw on it.”
You will draw from that account again and again and again, but it is up to you to build that “savings account”.
And of course, meditation on Scripture, prayer, and all the other spiritual disciplines put into practice are essential too. Your quiet time will shape your perspective of the military and all its curveballs. Regardless of where God places us location-wise, He is the one and only constant in our lives and it is pure foolishness if we neglect that anchor. Remember this:
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
Love Your Husband
Loving your husband may sound like an obvious exhortation but I believe it’s easier said than done. (Ever read the curse of Genesis 3:16? Ha!)
Did you know that the average divorce rate for the military is actually slightly higher than most civilian marriages? There is so much stress facing a military family. They say moving is one of the most stressful things you can do and military families move all the time. Couple that with an absent spouse/parent, kids who feel neglected, the stress of bad bosses or co-workers, and you’ve got the perfect equation for depression, anger, loneliness, frustration, and more. Trust me, it’s easy for the wife to grow in bitterness or dissension towards her husband because so much of our lives revolve around our husband’s job. I most definitely wrestled with that but, praise God, He worked on my heart in this area.
Additionally, there are countless opportunities for temptation. It’s been said, “What happens TDY, stays TDY.” (TDY or temporary duty assignment is basically a short term work trip.) In their time of separation, both spouses have windows of time for the heart to wander. Whether the pathway to unfaithfulness starts with something as blatant as going to a club or gradual as meeting someone else and slowly giving your heart away, military marriages must actively fight to stay married.
But marriage is so much more than just avoiding seeds of bitterness and unfaithfulness. God created the role of wife to be a helpmate to her husband.
We cheer them on when they miss a promotion. We applaud their accomplishments when no one else recognizes them. We hold down the fort, so to speak, when they deploy. We mow lawns and fight insurance claims and even move our entire home when they aren’t around. We play mom and dad when he’s gone, and when he returns it is up to us to help him adjust to a new normal.
Consider this: their life is filled with physical and spiritual warfare. One thing Ethan said to me over and over again is how happy he was (when deployed or away) to know that he could trust that everything on the Homefront is okay. I wasn’t always perfect at it but loving him while he was deployed looked like praying for him, withholding information so he could stay focused on his job, doing whatever I could to make his life easier, sending care packages, and more. When he returned it looked more like giving him the space he needed to process whatever happened to him on his deployment.
We faced hardshps I never imagined. Hear this: this kind of love cannot be faked. No, it overflows from our love for God and that kind of love is cultivated in His Word. Living in the Word and loving our husbands are inextricably linked.
Commit Yourself to a Local Church
It’s true. The military has its own community, and we’ve met some great friends from the people who have (as is commonly phrased in the military) “gone through the suck” that Ethan did. In our early years of marriage, we didn’t go to clubs or get drunk which proved to be a deterrent to certain friendships but I noticed that having a baby was an instant connection to other families who also had kids. Even so, not every one shares the same faith. Although, I knew that each of these friends had my back if and when I ever needed them, and although I tried my best to share my faith with them, there would always be a disconnect because my life purpose is in Jesus alone. All that to say, finding a local church was my lifeline at every duty station we were assigned to.
Unfortunately, the more you move around the more you find that finding a solid, Bible-preaching church is quite difficult. Some churches have amazing programs and community but lack depth. Others have the sound-teaching but lack loving community. There is no perfect church and this Spurgeon quote has helped me frame my mind when looking for a church:
“The day we find the perfect church, it becomes imperfect the moment we join it.”
In other words, there is no perfect church, but there are key indicators of what a healthy church looks like. (9Marks puts out a great list of the marks of a healthy church.”) Thankfully, the Lord brought us where we’ve needed to be every single time. We learned something different from each church body we’ve committed ourselves to and met some amazing people in the process.
Knowing that no church body is perfect, here are some forewarnings I’ve noticed across the board:
The military lifestyle is foreign to most Christians.
Many of them want to understand the military world but it will take some extra effort explaining some of the military jargon or cultural aspects that they are not apart of. Even though they may not be walking through what you’re walking through, your bond is not in your life experience, it is in Christ. So long as their advice is always founded on the Word of God will they have something valuable to offer you in your time of need.Sadly, some people will avoid you or be distant when they find out you are military—even if they are Christians. With some people, you may notice an immediate shift in their demeanor when you share that you are a military family. The follow-up question is generally “How long are you here for?” and that tends to determine their level of interest. This can hurt but I’ve come to realize it is normal human behavior. It’s almost a defense mechanism of sorts. Some people do not want to give their time and energy to people they will not get a return from and I have come to realize that those kinds of people 1.) miss out on the friendship I have to offer them and 2.) this person may not be a good fit for me. Maybe they don’t have the bandwidth. Maybe their understanding of friendship is based off what they can get and not what they can give. Either way, I learned that I don’t have to be everyone’s good friend.
But the women I did meet who accepted our expiration date? Wow, did they support me, challenge me, and bless me in a season of life I needed it most. They gave me the opportunity to love and serve them during our short time in that town and they had the opportunity to love me in return. (Just an FYI: More often than not, you do have to go out of your way to find these people. My introverted self learned really quick that it is rare someone else will take that first step. Be bold, put yourself out there, expect nothing in return, and when someone does bite, that friendship is worth rejoicing over.)
Even Christians say dumb things.
This may sound harsh but it’s true. People say dumb things all the time—myself included. We all would do better to be slow to speak and quick to listen (James 1:19). Whether praying for my husband when he was deployed or asking questions about his job, there was the occasional person who meant well but said something that could’ve immediately pierced my heart if I let it. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you extend that person grace. Don’t close yourself off to community because of one person’s ignorance. Explain to them they should tread carefully with their words when talking to another military wife. They simply don’t know what they don’t know and this gives us an incredible opportunity to exercise Ephesians 4:32: Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Here are a few common statements I’ve heard:“I don’t know how you guys do it.”
I actually wouldn’t call this a dumb statement. It’s typically an expression I hear to compliment one’s strength but any Jesus-loving military wife knows that HIS grace is sufficient and HIS power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9.). We actually lack strength but can endure because it’s an opportunity for God’s power to work in us. I heard this statement most after my civilians friend’s husband would leave for a few days for a work trip. You may find yourself tempted to mock her internally (“6 days?! Try 6 months!”) but if anything, we have a greater understanding than anyone of how that absence affects our families. This is not their normal and this gives us an opportunity to point to the hope within us. My response to this statement has always been:“I never chose this for myself but God sanctifies me through it and supplies the grace needed.”“But isn’t that what he signed up for?”
Thankfully, I didn’t hear this one as frequently but it would be mentioned occasionally. This statement reveals a lack of empathy and I just chalk that up to ignorance. Yes, he may have volunteered to be in the military but no one would sign their contract if they knew in advance all the stuff they would endure. To this statement, I’ve simply responded, “He sure did sign up for this but we still need prayer nonetheless.”“Are you afraid he will die?”
I believe this statement comes from a place of curiosity and uncomfortability. This person can’t fathom a loved one being deployed but they are also ignorant to how unfruitful that kind of a question is. It can be a filler questions because they just don’t know what else to say. Of course, death is a real fear. This is one of the worst things someone can say while he is on deployment, and in a weak state can unleash so much fear and anxiety in a military spouse. But I do believe it is a statement the military wife must reconcile in her heart long before he ever goes on deployment. Both Ethan and I believe that God is the giver of breath and Sustainer of life and he will not keep anyone a second longer on this planet than what He intends. Therefore, whether on deployment or driving to the grocery store, whatever happens, it is a part of His plan and we can trust Him. I cannot tell you how much that has given me peace over the years and his prepared me to answer that question confidently so that I am not side-tracked when it is asked. Of course, this is easier stated than believed. This is why living in the Word is crucial for we don’t know what tomorrow holds (Matt. 6:34).
Oh, military wife, I pray this post was able to bless you in some way. There is so much more I can say which is why I’ve had to break this up into two parts. I may not know you personally but know that you’re not walking this road alone. I can only say all of this after looking back, reflecting, and clearly seeing God’s hand in our lives. Seeing His hand in things wasn’t so clear at times, but He always proves Himself to be consistent, true to His character, and more than all we need.
Your sister in Christ,
Dianne